I have coached many in the art of online dating, from friends and coworkers to my dad, and did it myself from 1999 to 2002. Dad dated online successfully for five years, and two of my cousins found their current spouses this way. Everybody I know from work who met their partner in the last five years met them online. Before dating online I met people through the pre-internet routes such as personal ads and match making services. In the process I learned some things through trial and error that kept the experience safe and fun.
THE MAGIC WEBSITE:
There is no magic website. I recommend using multiple sites.
WHAT WORKS IN A PROFILE:
I hate to say this but men go strictly by the picture. OK, maybe they actually read the profile to screen a person out on a few specifics, but my boyfriend answered my ad titled "Looking for a Tennis Buddy". He'd never held a racquet in his life! Nor was he remotely interested in learning the sport. By the way, I wouldn't recommend that title.
I gave several of my friends at work the following template some years back as an intro:
________________ _______________ _____________ seeks __________ __________ ______________. Interested in __________________, ______________, ________________. Enjoy __________________, ___________, _________________. EXAMPLE: Petite (if this is true) or attractive degreed professional seeks a fit degreed professional. I am interested in art, music, and tennis. I enjoy comedy clubs, movies, and seafood.
This was something I used in the Dallas Observer and it still applies. For one thing, it tells the prospective date where to take you on the first date. Petite is always a great word to throw out there if it's true (and back in the early 90's we didn't have photos.) Also, back then we paid by the number of words, so we didn't want to use any more than the minimum. I'm telling ya, those were the days when blind dating was like walking to school in three feet of snow. It's MUCH easier now.
THE BODY OF THE PROFILE:
After this intro you want to use some humor. Here's a couple of profiles I ran with and had pretty good luck with:
Example Number One
If one of these titles is what you are looking for, I'm afraid we will not be a compatible match my friend:
Looking For A Man To Make Me into a Princess
Tattooed Biker Girl Likes to Party
Jesus is My Life and You Can Fit in Somewhere
Meat and Potatoes Kind of Gal
Marriage or Bust
Hooters Girl Loves to Party
Kissed Too Many Frogs
Hurt Too Many Times
Looking for a Sugar Daddy
Tired of Being Dumped
Biological Clock Banging Away
Handymen Get First Dibs
Alcohol Makes Me Pregnant
Mother of Three Beautiful Teenage Daughters, Lots of Pics
A Complete Package: Clueless, Clingy, AND Desperate!
If one of these titles fits YOU, we may be a pretty good match:
Looking For a Woman Who Makes a Great Salad!
Interested in Ms. Right (Not Ms. Right Now)
Seeking Someone Independent and Happy
Looking for Smart and Socially Savvy
I Will Never Dump You (I'm just kidding on this one)
Example Number Two:
Please take the following True False Test so I can see how compatible we are:
1. I like cocaine
2. Spirituality is what I'm all about.
3. I'm in debt over $20,000 besides my house and car.
4. Friday or Saturday is reserved for heavy drinking.
5. If I buy a woman dinner, sex is assumed.
6. I don't like movies all that much.
7. Degreed women think they know everything.
This list went on for about 20 questions. The thing is, if they didn't get that this was funny, (some took it very seriously and some sent hate mail) then it wasn't going to go anywhere anyway. I didn't really mind hate mail. I got it for the first example as well. It certainly saves you time and effort you'd put into finding out that the guy IS a bible thumper or a weekend alcoholic or is looking for a hooters girl. See what I mean? Unfortunately, some guys might assume from these examples that you are a little too weird (which I'm sure they did), or you might get someone with a sense of humor that has no power down button. Yuck. One of the nicest responses I got on the second one was "I don't think we'd be a very good match, but this is the funniest thing I've ever read in my life."
WHAT TO LEAVE OUT:
Look, you might want a spiritual man. No problem. But if you lead with that, I guarantee there are guys out there who might be bible thumpers looking for a submissive-captive type person. Or who use a lot of religiosity to take advantage of gullible women. There are con men out there. Just because someone knows all the buzzwords doesn't mean they walk the walk. Many do just the opposite. I edited one girlfriend's profile some years back, and she used the word "spirituality" at least three times. I told her, "The guy who answers this ad won't even own a car." Also, his brand of spirituality might very well not fit yours. This is something to check out over coffee. Not blast in the profile. It's good to come off as "balanced".
I had one friend who emphasized "committed relationship" in her profile. Sure enough, she went out with one guy who responded and when she didn't want to go out for that second cup of coffee (which is the norm) he fumed, saying that he thought they were committed, and WHY was her profile still on the website?? For a normal, stable person, who is also looking for a committed relationship, it will happen when the person is right. Otherwise, it's NOT committed. To a crazy out there (yes there are many of them) the fact that you stated commitment and marriage all over your profile means you are ready to head to the alter, with THEM. The box that is checked "yes" for "committed relationship", as opposed to casual date, is all you need to show on the matter.
I had one friend who used the word "sex" as in "sexually secure", or "sexually active", in her profile. Well, this is another "duh". I made her take it out. Look, there are predators out there who do searches based on buzzwords. I'm sure she got everybody's attention on this one. Again, if he's into you, he will become interested in the sack. Same with women, for you guys reading this. If they are not interested, move on. It's just not something you can talk anyone into long term.
Speaking of buzzwords, you can put things in your profile that you want to draw attention to. For example, on occasion I put "bonus points for _________________." This varied from Europeans to Seinfeld fans to Thai and seafood lovers. Believe me that shakes out your flavor of the month!
HAVING AN EXIT STRATEGY:
So you've dated this good looking person for a week, and now he doesn't look so good, sound so good, whatever. Remember, you don't know him, regardless of what stage this thing is in, in the first month. A person who is cordial on the first encounter or two might become dangerously pissed off if he just spent $40 on you for dinner before he started talking about (1) The little green man in his head who won't stop shouting (2) The last 20 women who dumped him for no reason (3) The affairs he had that broke up his marriage two months ago (4) his on again off again love affair with meth amphetamines. This is NOT a time to be honest with this person. This is a time to go home, alone, (he shouldn't know where you live at this point) and then politely tell him online or by phone that you are getting back together with you ex boyfriend. PERIOD. If the problem persists (and it might) have a male friend at work leave a new message on your answering machine at home (Male: We're not here right now. Please leave your name and number....) Leave it on for two weeks and the problem is resolved. I've had to do that myself two or three times. It certainly does the trick. Frankly, unless I've been dating a person for like, over three months, this is my normal way to break up with online dates. And guess what, men use it just as much and if I were to think long and hard about it, I could pretty easily figure out why they left. It's not personal. Usually there's just no major chemistry one way or the other.
HOW TO KEEP THEM AROUND:
To the extent you can comfortably do so, I would say follow the book The Rules. You don't have to go overboard with it (like not returning phone calls) but otherwise, it will save you from overinvesting yourself in hopeless causes.
HAVE AS MUCH FUN AS YOU CAN WITH IT:
One reason I put in the intro "I enjoy ______________, _________ and _________" is to get them to take me where I wanted to go. You WILL kiss a lot of frogs. So you might as well go out and have fun doing what you find enjoyable. I really did want a committed relationship. And I knew my life would be happier if I had someone to share it with. So I saw blind dates and going to singles events as a part time job that I couldn't quit. I might take a couple of months off here and there, but for the most part I kept it up whether I was having any fun or not. I finally met my boyfriend. As we used to say in sales, "Only one out of ten calls results in a sale, but it takes the other nine to get to the one that goes through." In my online dating experience, "Only one out of 100 online dates results in a long term relationship, but it takes the other 99 to get to the one that works." Was it worth it?? Yes, it was very worth it. It's been eight years now, and we couldn't be happier.
NOW HERE'S ME PLAYING THE PIANO (RECORDED) AND SINGING AND PLAYING GUITAR.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete