I Found Mine Online. You Can Find Yours Online.

I have coached many in the art of online dating, from friends and coworkers to my dad, and did it myself from 1999 to 2002. Dad dated online successfully for five years, and two of my cousins found their current spouses this way. Everybody I know from work who met their partner in the last five years met them online. Before dating online I met people through the pre-internet routes such as personal ads and match making services. In the process I learned some things through trial and error that kept the experience safe and fun.

THE MAGIC WEBSITE:

There is no magic website. I recommend using multiple sites.

WHAT WORKS IN A PROFILE:

I hate to say this but men go strictly by the picture. OK, maybe they actually read the profile to screen a person out on a few specifics, but my boyfriend answered my ad titled "Looking for a Tennis Buddy". He'd never held a racquet in his life! Nor was he remotely interested in learning the sport. By the way, I wouldn't recommend that title.

I gave several of my friends at work the following template some years back as an intro:

________________ _______________ _____________ seeks __________ __________ ______________. Interested in __________________, ______________, ________________. Enjoy __________________, ___________, _________________. EXAMPLE: Petite (if this is true) or attractive degreed professional seeks a fit degreed professional. I am interested in art, music, and tennis. I enjoy comedy clubs, movies, and seafood.

This was something I used in the Dallas Observer and it still applies. For one thing, it tells the prospective date where to take you on the first date. Petite is always a great word to throw out there if it's true (and back in the early 90's we didn't have photos.) Also, back then we paid by the number of words, so we didn't want to use any more than the minimum. I'm telling ya, those were the days when blind dating was like walking to school in three feet of snow. It's MUCH easier now.

THE BODY OF THE PROFILE:

After this intro you want to use some humor. Here's a couple of profiles I ran with and had pretty good luck with:

Example Number One

If one of these titles is what you are looking for, I'm afraid we will not be a compatible match my friend:

Looking For A Man To Make Me into a Princess

Tattooed Biker Girl Likes to Party

Jesus is My Life and You Can Fit in Somewhere

Meat and Potatoes Kind of Gal

Marriage or Bust

Hooters Girl Loves to Party

Kissed Too Many Frogs

Hurt Too Many Times

Looking for a Sugar Daddy

Tired of Being Dumped

Biological Clock Banging Away

Handymen Get First Dibs

Alcohol Makes Me Pregnant

Mother of Three Beautiful Teenage Daughters, Lots of Pics

A Complete Package: Clueless, Clingy, AND Desperate!

If one of these titles fits YOU, we may be a pretty good match:

Looking For a Woman Who Makes a Great Salad!

Interested in Ms. Right (Not Ms. Right Now)

Seeking Someone Independent and Happy

Looking for Smart and Socially Savvy

I Will Never Dump You (I'm just kidding on this one)

Example Number Two:

Please take the following True False Test so I can see how compatible we are:

1. I like cocaine

2. Spirituality is what I'm all about.

3. I'm in debt over $20,000 besides my house and car.

4. Friday or Saturday is reserved for heavy drinking.

5. If I buy a woman dinner, sex is assumed.

6. I don't like movies all that much.

7. Degreed women think they know everything.

This list went on for about 20 questions. The thing is, if they didn't get that this was funny, (some took it very seriously and some sent hate mail) then it wasn't going to go anywhere anyway. I didn't really mind hate mail. I got it for the first example as well. It certainly saves you time and effort you'd put into finding out that the guy IS a bible thumper or a weekend alcoholic or is looking for a hooters girl. See what I mean? Unfortunately, some guys might assume from these examples that you are a little too weird (which I'm sure they did), or you might get someone with a sense of humor that has no power down button. Yuck. One of the nicest responses I got on the second one was "I don't think we'd be a very good match, but this is the funniest thing I've ever read in my life."

WHAT TO LEAVE OUT:

Look, you might want a spiritual man. No problem. But if you lead with that, I guarantee there are guys out there who might be bible thumpers looking for a submissive-captive type person. Or who use a lot of religiosity to take advantage of gullible women. There are con men out there. Just because someone knows all the buzzwords doesn't mean they walk the walk. Many do just the opposite. I edited one girlfriend's profile some years back, and she used the word "spirituality" at least three times. I told her, "The guy who answers this ad won't even own a car." Also, his brand of spirituality might very well not fit yours. This is something to check out over coffee. Not blast in the profile. It's good to come off as "balanced".

I had one friend who emphasized "committed relationship" in her profile. Sure enough, she went out with one guy who responded and when she didn't want to go out for that second cup of coffee (which is the norm) he fumed, saying that he thought they were committed, and WHY was her profile still on the website?? For a normal, stable person, who is also looking for a committed relationship, it will happen when the person is right. Otherwise, it's NOT committed. To a crazy out there (yes there are many of them) the fact that you stated commitment and marriage all over your profile means you are ready to head to the alter, with THEM. The box that is checked "yes" for "committed relationship", as opposed to casual date, is all you need to show on the matter.

I had one friend who used the word "sex" as in "sexually secure", or "sexually active", in her profile. Well, this is another "duh". I made her take it out. Look, there are predators out there who do searches based on buzzwords. I'm sure she got everybody's attention on this one. Again, if he's into you, he will become interested in the sack. Same with women, for you guys reading this. If they are not interested, move on. It's just not something you can talk anyone into long term.

Speaking of buzzwords, you can put things in your profile that you want to draw attention to. For example, on occasion I put "bonus points for _________________." This varied from Europeans to Seinfeld fans to Thai and seafood lovers. Believe me that shakes out your flavor of the month!

HAVING AN EXIT STRATEGY:

So you've dated this good looking person for a week, and now he doesn't look so good, sound so good, whatever. Remember, you don't know him, regardless of what stage this thing is in, in the first month. A person who is cordial on the first encounter or two might become dangerously pissed off if he just spent $40 on you for dinner before he started talking about (1) The little green man in his head who won't stop shouting (2) The last 20 women who dumped him for no reason (3) The affairs he had that broke up his marriage two months ago (4) his on again off again love affair with meth amphetamines. This is NOT a time to be honest with this person. This is a time to go home, alone, (he shouldn't know where you live at this point) and then politely tell him online or by phone that you are getting back together with you ex boyfriend. PERIOD. If the problem persists (and it might) have a male friend at work leave a new message on your answering machine at home (Male: We're not here right now. Please leave your name and number....) Leave it on for two weeks and the problem is resolved. I've had to do that myself two or three times. It certainly does the trick. Frankly, unless I've been dating a person for like, over three months, this is my normal way to break up with online dates. And guess what, men use it just as much and if I were to think long and hard about it, I could pretty easily figure out why they left. It's not personal. Usually there's just no major chemistry one way or the other.

HOW TO KEEP THEM AROUND:

To the extent you can comfortably do so, I would say follow the book The Rules. You don't have to go overboard with it (like not returning phone calls) but otherwise, it will save you from overinvesting yourself in hopeless causes.

HAVE AS MUCH FUN AS YOU CAN WITH IT:

One reason I put in the intro "I enjoy ______________, _________ and _________" is to get them to take me where I wanted to go. You WILL kiss a lot of frogs. So you might as well go out and have fun doing what you find enjoyable. I really did want a committed relationship. And I knew my life would be happier if I had someone to share it with. So I saw blind dates and going to singles events as a part time job that I couldn't quit. I might take a couple of months off here and there, but for the most part I kept it up whether I was having any fun or not. I finally met my boyfriend. As we used to say in sales, "Only one out of ten calls results in a sale, but it takes the other nine to get to the one that goes through." In my online dating experience, "Only one out of 100 online dates results in a long term relationship, but it takes the other 99 to get to the one that works." Was it worth it?? Yes, it was very worth it. It's been eight years now, and we couldn't be happier.

NOW HERE'S ME PLAYING THE PIANO (RECORDED) AND SINGING AND PLAYING GUITAR.

Fingerpicking on the Guitar: A More Challenging Hobby

There's a big difference between fingerpicking and strumming. Strumming is easy and you do not need to be able to read music. Fingerpicking generally requires that you be able to read either music in the regular sense or what is called Tabulature. Since I can read sheet music I saw no reason to try to learn Tabulature. I concentrated on learning how to translate the sheet music to the neck of the guitar. It's one thing to be able to play it on the piano, but you have to eventually be able to recognize where the same notes go on the guitar neck. I started by playing songs I already knew on the piano and practicing them on the guitar. This was OK, but the songs I picked (Bach) were difficult and limited what I could learn out of those songs. I finally broke down and bought Hal Leonard's Guitar Method, Complete Edition. This book not only gave me a ton of songs to play around with, it was progressive in terms of learning songs on the first string, then songs on the first and second string, then first, second and third, etc. So you really learned the neck of the guitar. Plus, as the string included particular chords, you learned them, too. Plus variations in strumming and picking. For anybody who wants to learn to read music and become proficient, this book is THE way to go.

I took lessons at Brookhaven and where I saw beginners really hit a wall was when it came to reading music. Just like me with Bach, the class didn't start off with baby steps, like one string of notes at a time. Hal Leonard's Guitar Method, Complete Edition would be a great way to supplement any class, whether it be group or private lessons. I will also say, if someone doesn't have SOME way of learning how to read music, one of three things will probably happen (1) they will give up on fingerpicking before they ever get started because it IS hard to figure out the notes on the scale, or (2) they will memorize a few songs by ear just out of lengthy practice and trial and error, or (3) they will develop their ear and arrange songs on their own (this requires a LOT of natural ability which you either have or you don't). What sold me on this particular book was one of the reviews on Amazon. A professional guitarist in a band had played all his life without being able to read music. He got this book and was now reading and enjoying the ability to pick up all kinds of sheet music and play it for the by sight for the first time in his life. I thought, "If this guy can do it without ever having had a music lesson, so can I."

Eric Scortia is my guitar instructor as well as my piano teacher. We divide up my lessons into 45 minutes of piano, 15 minutes of guitar. The benefit of having a teacher is always the same: If someone is going to listen to you once a week or once every two weeks, you run a much better chance of practicing and learning your goals. I can't stand for Eric to show up and not give him a pretty good show. I hate to sound bad. It's one thing for my boyfriend to hear me sound like crap. Nothing I can do about that. If you are going to learn a new skill, you will always suck in the beginning.

If you really want some motivation, watch some fantastic guitarists doing their thing, or just listen to incredible guitar music. I like a CD of Eric Clapton and Steve Winwood doing a recent live concert together of all their old hits (found at the library). I recently saw this young woman in the late Michael Jackson's movie This is It on guitar and she will blow you away. There are lots of closeups of her playing and I swear she must have started at ten years old to be this good this young! I like to think her career got a boost out of this movie. She can also bend strings like you wouldn't believe. I barely have the strength to press them all the way down. Once again, if this young Greek gal can do it (at least her name was Greek) maybe I can someday get there! I hear people all the time use the excuse that they are too old to learn new stuff (like reading music). First of all, that's totally false. That kind of thinking leads to dementia because you've stopped challenging your brain. Secondly, if you completely give up on learning anything new you will be incredibly bored for the next 20-30-40 years of your life. Reality TV shows and eating out only give you so much bang before your brain goes completely numb. OK, enough philosophicating.

You CAN Travel to Europe

One of the benefits of having a European boyfriend is that I've been able to go to Europe somewhat regularly. I don't expect anybody to trade in their American model on a European one, but he and I are in a position to share the tips and tricks of traveling to Europe affordably. It's quite a bit different from traveling in the U.S. We'll do U.S. travel on another blog.

PICK YOUR COUNTRY AND CITY: Let me dispel some of the common myths.

1. MYTH - Many countries don't speak English so this will be problematic.

TRUTH - They all speak English, if sometimes a little bit broken. The younger the person you approach, the more likely they are to speak English.

2. MYTH - Some countries are anti-American.

TRUTH - They are all pro-American unless you go over and act like a total jerk. I have done that myself and gotten the cold shoulder. The worst that will happen is someone will move away from you on the subway. No one will actually say anything.

Knowing this, you can go just about anywhere. I've been all over Greece (inland and various islands and Athens) and to London, Paris, Rome, Venice, Florence, and Zurich. If you are only going to Europe once, and you want to see the most historically significant sites in the smallest area, I would vote for Rome. I would also say focus on one city for several days. You will be jet lagged for the first couple of days, so plan time for an afternoon siesta to catch up on your sleep. What you do NOT want to do is one city per day, or one country per day. You will not get enough time to soak up the sites and you will spend all you time traveling. If beautiful artwork and ruins is not your bag, and laying on the beach is, I would say go to Greece. You can fly in to Athens, see the ruins for a day, and then take a ferry to an island where you will eat fabulous food and layout.

PICK YOUR TRAVEL COMPANION CAREFULLY: If your spouse is a poor traveler, or your children are at an age where they sulk and complain a lot, they could really mess up your trip. Pick someone and BE someone who doesn't expect to be in their own living room when they travel. I dated a guy who complained incessantly while on our one trip to Cozumel to scuba dive. Didn't like the food, wouldn't dive, couldn't understand why they didn't use American money or always speak English. I could have screamed. It was the beginning of the end for that relationship. If you are dating someone, and you ARE a person who wants to travel a lot, test your prospective life partner on something like a four day trip to Mexico. Also, if this person says that going to Europe would be a nightmare for them, believe him/her. It's TOTALLY different from the U.S.

THE FLIGHT: Per my boyfriend who goes to Greece every summer to see his family, the best travel sight is Kayak.com. This searches all the other websites for the best deals. Just like in the U.S., you want as few layovers as possible. I just looked up DFW to Madrid Spain and it's less than $1,100 round trip in June. Flexibility on your dates and times will help your rate. They have a busy season just like we do.

If you don't do so now, you might consider getting a credit card that gives you airline miles. I have used the AAdvantage card for American Airline miles and got free roundtrip tickets every year by charging everything to the card (including property taxes) and paying it off every month. You have to be disciplined because you don't want to pay interest on your monthly charges, or any late charges. However, we're switching to a Southwest credit card soon since we travel on Southwest more.

THE HOTEL: This is where we save a boat load. We don't package it with the flight. We just fly over and stand around in the line at the airport travel bureau in whatever city we arrive in (it's an office for tourists). The travel bureau desk will show you several hotel brochures they have listed and you get to decide. But before you get to the front of the line, some sales reps with unlisted hotels will sidle up to you in the line and ask you "What are you looking for?" I look them right in the eye and say"We want a hotel room with a connecting bathroom for less than 90 Euros." They might roll their eyes or laugh, or even say it doesn't exist. But the next sales rep will show up and say, "OK, this is what I have for less than 90 Euros....." It will invariably be something with construction noise from the remodeling in the next wing, but it's during the day when I'm going to be running around the Colosseum or the Louvre, so who cares??? I guarantee if you go through the web before you get there you will get the most expensive deal. The best deal we got in Greece was in Corfu (an island) where we get a whole small villa (little hotel) to ourselves for 90 Euros per day.

TRANSPORTATION: We have never rented a car. However, we did take his brother's car across Greece one year, so if you were doing an inland trip across the country you would have to do so. But otherwise we never have. We take the train (every major city has a subway) and buses. And we walk a LOT. You can get an international drivers license through AAA for $20. If you are AAA member, it's free. If worse comes to worst you can take a taxi (you may need to to get to the hotel from the airport.) But do not get one of those cattle call tours full of nothing but Americans. On the islands, the hotels and the beaches are not in the same location. They have buses that leave every thirty minutes or so to take you to the beach. The language of travel is English. If a person from Japan is trying to get to the Vatican, they speak English. You can get around if you just ask for help. They WANT you to come back.

When we went to Rome, we started in Zurich, Switzerland, took the train south to Rome, and then took the train north to Venice and Florence and then back to Zurich. This was two weeks. The train trip is part of the fun. And the flight over the Alps was breathtaking. It is possible to do two countries up right in one trip, but it will require one week in one city (Greece) and one week in the other (e.g. Paris). There is no reason to fly to Europe if it's for only one or two days per country. Take your time.

RESTAURANTS: The water and the food is safe. You might want to go where the locals hang out, because it will be significantly cheaper. Please please do NOT go to TGI Fridays and McDonalds. The goal is to get immersed in a new culture. Try something you cannot get over here. In Greece we eat a Greek salad and tzatziki (yogurt dip) as an appetizer every meal. We eat rabbit, too. The seafood is exceptional. The food is actually the best thing about Greece. I wasn't crazy about the food in Rome. Prosciutto sandwiches are all dry white bread and a sliver of dry lunch meat. What was really good was the paella (stew).

Pampering Yourself, Loving Yourself

I like to pamper myself in healthy ways, which cuts out cigarettes, sugary snacks, booze, or wild spending sprees, all of which would lead to regret and negate any therapeutic benefit. Any pampering I afford myself has long term positive effects. So the list gets down to the following:

MASSAGE: My masseuse, Isabella, works out all the kinks in my body and psyche one hour per month. Many people think of this as a pricey luxury. OK, so? Remember, I'm saving $4.00 per DAY by not going downstairs for Starbucks, $30.00 per weekend by not drinking, and $15.00 per week by not smoking like I did in the early 90's. The benefits of massage are huge, but mainly I just think of it as pushing all the toxins out of my muscles. Plus, it just feels so nurturing to be professionally massaged. Unlike a backrub (better than nothing), massages are like someone playing your body like a violin.

HOUSEKEEPING (by someone else): Elba comes over once a month to do the everything except wash the clothes. Look at the hobby list I've got going here. No way do I have time to wash my floors, clean the bathrooms, or even vacuum. My boyfriend loves having her over because I will pick all my hobby toys to enable her to clean once a month. Otherwise, the hobbies just take over. When I come home from my ceramics class after she's been here, and I start practicing for my piano lesson that afternoon, the house smells like I put hours into washing it, and I have, well, sort of. This is pampering at it's highest level. How do you afford this?? Cut out the silly Starbucks!

NAPS AT LUNCH: It's been called a power nap, and for me, it's all about recharging my battery. If I take a book into a conference room and knock myself out with a frozen dinner and about three pages of reading, I can sleep for 45 minutes. People from my prior companies know I have been doing this since 1989. Does it mean I am lazy? Didn't get enough sleep? Anti-social? No, it's all about working like a machine the WHOLE day rather than getting all catatonic about 2:00. As a morning person, my peak time is 8:00 - 11:30. With a lunch nap, I'm getting the morning all over again. Friday, I kept waking halfway up from my nap wondering what Karen was doing in my bedroom since I kept hearing her voice through the door! For the most part, a one hour nap is practically equivelant to a full night's sleep. No amount of Starbuck's can get you this much energy. You will always crash. Might as well get it over with on your lunch break.

DAILY WORK OUT: I get up at 5:15 and work out daily with 15 minutes of cardio, 10 minutes of weights, 15 minutes of cardio, 10 minutes of weights, 15 minutes of cardio, 10 minutes of weights. Why is this pampering?? Because (1) I feel really fit the rest of the day (2) I have a higher energy level than any other 50 year old I know (and a lot of 40 year olds) and (3) It's a way of saying to my body, "I care about you. I care whether you feel good and have a long healthy life. I care about the quality of your existence, not just the number of years you can drag yourself around despite your age and condition. This is my gift to you because you are VERY important to me. I refuse to let age limit you (other than not joining a spin class any time soon.)" See why I need a nap?

So what are my thought on Wii? I guess it depends on which exercise you are doing, but let's ask it this way:

Does Wii have a virtual simulation of 45 minutes on an elliptical machine at 110 RPMs? Does it have a simulation of chinning 75 lbs? Lifting 30 lbs with your quads 3 sets of 25 reps, or with your hamstrings 12.5 lbs each, 3 sets of 15 reps? If not that, yes, it's better than nothing, but it's crazy to call throwing a weightless bowling ball a workout. It's probably great for step aerobics, and yoga, just like videos were.

The key is to find what rewards you and give it to yourself regularly.