I Found Mine Online. You Can Find Yours Online.

I have coached many in the art of online dating, from friends and coworkers to my dad, and did it myself from 1999 to 2002. Dad dated online successfully for five years, and two of my cousins found their current spouses this way. Everybody I know from work who met their partner in the last five years met them online. Before dating online I met people through the pre-internet routes such as personal ads and match making services. In the process I learned some things through trial and error that kept the experience safe and fun.

THE MAGIC WEBSITE:

There is no magic website. I recommend using multiple sites.

WHAT WORKS IN A PROFILE:

I hate to say this but men go strictly by the picture. OK, maybe they actually read the profile to screen a person out on a few specifics, but my boyfriend answered my ad titled "Looking for a Tennis Buddy". He'd never held a racquet in his life! Nor was he remotely interested in learning the sport. By the way, I wouldn't recommend that title.

I gave several of my friends at work the following template some years back as an intro:

________________ _______________ _____________ seeks __________ __________ ______________. Interested in __________________, ______________, ________________. Enjoy __________________, ___________, _________________. EXAMPLE: Petite (if this is true) or attractive degreed professional seeks a fit degreed professional. I am interested in art, music, and tennis. I enjoy comedy clubs, movies, and seafood.

This was something I used in the Dallas Observer and it still applies. For one thing, it tells the prospective date where to take you on the first date. Petite is always a great word to throw out there if it's true (and back in the early 90's we didn't have photos.) Also, back then we paid by the number of words, so we didn't want to use any more than the minimum. I'm telling ya, those were the days when blind dating was like walking to school in three feet of snow. It's MUCH easier now.

THE BODY OF THE PROFILE:

After this intro you want to use some humor. Here's a couple of profiles I ran with and had pretty good luck with:

Example Number One

If one of these titles is what you are looking for, I'm afraid we will not be a compatible match my friend:

Looking For A Man To Make Me into a Princess

Tattooed Biker Girl Likes to Party

Jesus is My Life and You Can Fit in Somewhere

Meat and Potatoes Kind of Gal

Marriage or Bust

Hooters Girl Loves to Party

Kissed Too Many Frogs

Hurt Too Many Times

Looking for a Sugar Daddy

Tired of Being Dumped

Biological Clock Banging Away

Handymen Get First Dibs

Alcohol Makes Me Pregnant

Mother of Three Beautiful Teenage Daughters, Lots of Pics

A Complete Package: Clueless, Clingy, AND Desperate!

If one of these titles fits YOU, we may be a pretty good match:

Looking For a Woman Who Makes a Great Salad!

Interested in Ms. Right (Not Ms. Right Now)

Seeking Someone Independent and Happy

Looking for Smart and Socially Savvy

I Will Never Dump You (I'm just kidding on this one)

Example Number Two:

Please take the following True False Test so I can see how compatible we are:

1. I like cocaine

2. Spirituality is what I'm all about.

3. I'm in debt over $20,000 besides my house and car.

4. Friday or Saturday is reserved for heavy drinking.

5. If I buy a woman dinner, sex is assumed.

6. I don't like movies all that much.

7. Degreed women think they know everything.

This list went on for about 20 questions. The thing is, if they didn't get that this was funny, (some took it very seriously and some sent hate mail) then it wasn't going to go anywhere anyway. I didn't really mind hate mail. I got it for the first example as well. It certainly saves you time and effort you'd put into finding out that the guy IS a bible thumper or a weekend alcoholic or is looking for a hooters girl. See what I mean? Unfortunately, some guys might assume from these examples that you are a little too weird (which I'm sure they did), or you might get someone with a sense of humor that has no power down button. Yuck. One of the nicest responses I got on the second one was "I don't think we'd be a very good match, but this is the funniest thing I've ever read in my life."

WHAT TO LEAVE OUT:

Look, you might want a spiritual man. No problem. But if you lead with that, I guarantee there are guys out there who might be bible thumpers looking for a submissive-captive type person. Or who use a lot of religiosity to take advantage of gullible women. There are con men out there. Just because someone knows all the buzzwords doesn't mean they walk the walk. Many do just the opposite. I edited one girlfriend's profile some years back, and she used the word "spirituality" at least three times. I told her, "The guy who answers this ad won't even own a car." Also, his brand of spirituality might very well not fit yours. This is something to check out over coffee. Not blast in the profile. It's good to come off as "balanced".

I had one friend who emphasized "committed relationship" in her profile. Sure enough, she went out with one guy who responded and when she didn't want to go out for that second cup of coffee (which is the norm) he fumed, saying that he thought they were committed, and WHY was her profile still on the website?? For a normal, stable person, who is also looking for a committed relationship, it will happen when the person is right. Otherwise, it's NOT committed. To a crazy out there (yes there are many of them) the fact that you stated commitment and marriage all over your profile means you are ready to head to the alter, with THEM. The box that is checked "yes" for "committed relationship", as opposed to casual date, is all you need to show on the matter.

I had one friend who used the word "sex" as in "sexually secure", or "sexually active", in her profile. Well, this is another "duh". I made her take it out. Look, there are predators out there who do searches based on buzzwords. I'm sure she got everybody's attention on this one. Again, if he's into you, he will become interested in the sack. Same with women, for you guys reading this. If they are not interested, move on. It's just not something you can talk anyone into long term.

Speaking of buzzwords, you can put things in your profile that you want to draw attention to. For example, on occasion I put "bonus points for _________________." This varied from Europeans to Seinfeld fans to Thai and seafood lovers. Believe me that shakes out your flavor of the month!

HAVING AN EXIT STRATEGY:

So you've dated this good looking person for a week, and now he doesn't look so good, sound so good, whatever. Remember, you don't know him, regardless of what stage this thing is in, in the first month. A person who is cordial on the first encounter or two might become dangerously pissed off if he just spent $40 on you for dinner before he started talking about (1) The little green man in his head who won't stop shouting (2) The last 20 women who dumped him for no reason (3) The affairs he had that broke up his marriage two months ago (4) his on again off again love affair with meth amphetamines. This is NOT a time to be honest with this person. This is a time to go home, alone, (he shouldn't know where you live at this point) and then politely tell him online or by phone that you are getting back together with you ex boyfriend. PERIOD. If the problem persists (and it might) have a male friend at work leave a new message on your answering machine at home (Male: We're not here right now. Please leave your name and number....) Leave it on for two weeks and the problem is resolved. I've had to do that myself two or three times. It certainly does the trick. Frankly, unless I've been dating a person for like, over three months, this is my normal way to break up with online dates. And guess what, men use it just as much and if I were to think long and hard about it, I could pretty easily figure out why they left. It's not personal. Usually there's just no major chemistry one way or the other.

HOW TO KEEP THEM AROUND:

To the extent you can comfortably do so, I would say follow the book The Rules. You don't have to go overboard with it (like not returning phone calls) but otherwise, it will save you from overinvesting yourself in hopeless causes.

HAVE AS MUCH FUN AS YOU CAN WITH IT:

One reason I put in the intro "I enjoy ______________, _________ and _________" is to get them to take me where I wanted to go. You WILL kiss a lot of frogs. So you might as well go out and have fun doing what you find enjoyable. I really did want a committed relationship. And I knew my life would be happier if I had someone to share it with. So I saw blind dates and going to singles events as a part time job that I couldn't quit. I might take a couple of months off here and there, but for the most part I kept it up whether I was having any fun or not. I finally met my boyfriend. As we used to say in sales, "Only one out of ten calls results in a sale, but it takes the other nine to get to the one that goes through." In my online dating experience, "Only one out of 100 online dates results in a long term relationship, but it takes the other 99 to get to the one that works." Was it worth it?? Yes, it was very worth it. It's been eight years now, and we couldn't be happier.

NOW HERE'S ME PLAYING THE PIANO (RECORDED) AND SINGING AND PLAYING GUITAR.

Fingerpicking on the Guitar: A More Challenging Hobby

There's a big difference between fingerpicking and strumming. Strumming is easy and you do not need to be able to read music. Fingerpicking generally requires that you be able to read either music in the regular sense or what is called Tabulature. Since I can read sheet music I saw no reason to try to learn Tabulature. I concentrated on learning how to translate the sheet music to the neck of the guitar. It's one thing to be able to play it on the piano, but you have to eventually be able to recognize where the same notes go on the guitar neck. I started by playing songs I already knew on the piano and practicing them on the guitar. This was OK, but the songs I picked (Bach) were difficult and limited what I could learn out of those songs. I finally broke down and bought Hal Leonard's Guitar Method, Complete Edition. This book not only gave me a ton of songs to play around with, it was progressive in terms of learning songs on the first string, then songs on the first and second string, then first, second and third, etc. So you really learned the neck of the guitar. Plus, as the string included particular chords, you learned them, too. Plus variations in strumming and picking. For anybody who wants to learn to read music and become proficient, this book is THE way to go.

I took lessons at Brookhaven and where I saw beginners really hit a wall was when it came to reading music. Just like me with Bach, the class didn't start off with baby steps, like one string of notes at a time. Hal Leonard's Guitar Method, Complete Edition would be a great way to supplement any class, whether it be group or private lessons. I will also say, if someone doesn't have SOME way of learning how to read music, one of three things will probably happen (1) they will give up on fingerpicking before they ever get started because it IS hard to figure out the notes on the scale, or (2) they will memorize a few songs by ear just out of lengthy practice and trial and error, or (3) they will develop their ear and arrange songs on their own (this requires a LOT of natural ability which you either have or you don't). What sold me on this particular book was one of the reviews on Amazon. A professional guitarist in a band had played all his life without being able to read music. He got this book and was now reading and enjoying the ability to pick up all kinds of sheet music and play it for the by sight for the first time in his life. I thought, "If this guy can do it without ever having had a music lesson, so can I."

Eric Scortia is my guitar instructor as well as my piano teacher. We divide up my lessons into 45 minutes of piano, 15 minutes of guitar. The benefit of having a teacher is always the same: If someone is going to listen to you once a week or once every two weeks, you run a much better chance of practicing and learning your goals. I can't stand for Eric to show up and not give him a pretty good show. I hate to sound bad. It's one thing for my boyfriend to hear me sound like crap. Nothing I can do about that. If you are going to learn a new skill, you will always suck in the beginning.

If you really want some motivation, watch some fantastic guitarists doing their thing, or just listen to incredible guitar music. I like a CD of Eric Clapton and Steve Winwood doing a recent live concert together of all their old hits (found at the library). I recently saw this young woman in the late Michael Jackson's movie This is It on guitar and she will blow you away. There are lots of closeups of her playing and I swear she must have started at ten years old to be this good this young! I like to think her career got a boost out of this movie. She can also bend strings like you wouldn't believe. I barely have the strength to press them all the way down. Once again, if this young Greek gal can do it (at least her name was Greek) maybe I can someday get there! I hear people all the time use the excuse that they are too old to learn new stuff (like reading music). First of all, that's totally false. That kind of thinking leads to dementia because you've stopped challenging your brain. Secondly, if you completely give up on learning anything new you will be incredibly bored for the next 20-30-40 years of your life. Reality TV shows and eating out only give you so much bang before your brain goes completely numb. OK, enough philosophicating.

You CAN Travel to Europe

One of the benefits of having a European boyfriend is that I've been able to go to Europe somewhat regularly. I don't expect anybody to trade in their American model on a European one, but he and I are in a position to share the tips and tricks of traveling to Europe affordably. It's quite a bit different from traveling in the U.S. We'll do U.S. travel on another blog.

PICK YOUR COUNTRY AND CITY: Let me dispel some of the common myths.

1. MYTH - Many countries don't speak English so this will be problematic.

TRUTH - They all speak English, if sometimes a little bit broken. The younger the person you approach, the more likely they are to speak English.

2. MYTH - Some countries are anti-American.

TRUTH - They are all pro-American unless you go over and act like a total jerk. I have done that myself and gotten the cold shoulder. The worst that will happen is someone will move away from you on the subway. No one will actually say anything.

Knowing this, you can go just about anywhere. I've been all over Greece (inland and various islands and Athens) and to London, Paris, Rome, Venice, Florence, and Zurich. If you are only going to Europe once, and you want to see the most historically significant sites in the smallest area, I would vote for Rome. I would also say focus on one city for several days. You will be jet lagged for the first couple of days, so plan time for an afternoon siesta to catch up on your sleep. What you do NOT want to do is one city per day, or one country per day. You will not get enough time to soak up the sites and you will spend all you time traveling. If beautiful artwork and ruins is not your bag, and laying on the beach is, I would say go to Greece. You can fly in to Athens, see the ruins for a day, and then take a ferry to an island where you will eat fabulous food and layout.

PICK YOUR TRAVEL COMPANION CAREFULLY: If your spouse is a poor traveler, or your children are at an age where they sulk and complain a lot, they could really mess up your trip. Pick someone and BE someone who doesn't expect to be in their own living room when they travel. I dated a guy who complained incessantly while on our one trip to Cozumel to scuba dive. Didn't like the food, wouldn't dive, couldn't understand why they didn't use American money or always speak English. I could have screamed. It was the beginning of the end for that relationship. If you are dating someone, and you ARE a person who wants to travel a lot, test your prospective life partner on something like a four day trip to Mexico. Also, if this person says that going to Europe would be a nightmare for them, believe him/her. It's TOTALLY different from the U.S.

THE FLIGHT: Per my boyfriend who goes to Greece every summer to see his family, the best travel sight is Kayak.com. This searches all the other websites for the best deals. Just like in the U.S., you want as few layovers as possible. I just looked up DFW to Madrid Spain and it's less than $1,100 round trip in June. Flexibility on your dates and times will help your rate. They have a busy season just like we do.

If you don't do so now, you might consider getting a credit card that gives you airline miles. I have used the AAdvantage card for American Airline miles and got free roundtrip tickets every year by charging everything to the card (including property taxes) and paying it off every month. You have to be disciplined because you don't want to pay interest on your monthly charges, or any late charges. However, we're switching to a Southwest credit card soon since we travel on Southwest more.

THE HOTEL: This is where we save a boat load. We don't package it with the flight. We just fly over and stand around in the line at the airport travel bureau in whatever city we arrive in (it's an office for tourists). The travel bureau desk will show you several hotel brochures they have listed and you get to decide. But before you get to the front of the line, some sales reps with unlisted hotels will sidle up to you in the line and ask you "What are you looking for?" I look them right in the eye and say"We want a hotel room with a connecting bathroom for less than 90 Euros." They might roll their eyes or laugh, or even say it doesn't exist. But the next sales rep will show up and say, "OK, this is what I have for less than 90 Euros....." It will invariably be something with construction noise from the remodeling in the next wing, but it's during the day when I'm going to be running around the Colosseum or the Louvre, so who cares??? I guarantee if you go through the web before you get there you will get the most expensive deal. The best deal we got in Greece was in Corfu (an island) where we get a whole small villa (little hotel) to ourselves for 90 Euros per day.

TRANSPORTATION: We have never rented a car. However, we did take his brother's car across Greece one year, so if you were doing an inland trip across the country you would have to do so. But otherwise we never have. We take the train (every major city has a subway) and buses. And we walk a LOT. You can get an international drivers license through AAA for $20. If you are AAA member, it's free. If worse comes to worst you can take a taxi (you may need to to get to the hotel from the airport.) But do not get one of those cattle call tours full of nothing but Americans. On the islands, the hotels and the beaches are not in the same location. They have buses that leave every thirty minutes or so to take you to the beach. The language of travel is English. If a person from Japan is trying to get to the Vatican, they speak English. You can get around if you just ask for help. They WANT you to come back.

When we went to Rome, we started in Zurich, Switzerland, took the train south to Rome, and then took the train north to Venice and Florence and then back to Zurich. This was two weeks. The train trip is part of the fun. And the flight over the Alps was breathtaking. It is possible to do two countries up right in one trip, but it will require one week in one city (Greece) and one week in the other (e.g. Paris). There is no reason to fly to Europe if it's for only one or two days per country. Take your time.

RESTAURANTS: The water and the food is safe. You might want to go where the locals hang out, because it will be significantly cheaper. Please please do NOT go to TGI Fridays and McDonalds. The goal is to get immersed in a new culture. Try something you cannot get over here. In Greece we eat a Greek salad and tzatziki (yogurt dip) as an appetizer every meal. We eat rabbit, too. The seafood is exceptional. The food is actually the best thing about Greece. I wasn't crazy about the food in Rome. Prosciutto sandwiches are all dry white bread and a sliver of dry lunch meat. What was really good was the paella (stew).

Pampering Yourself, Loving Yourself

I like to pamper myself in healthy ways, which cuts out cigarettes, sugary snacks, booze, or wild spending sprees, all of which would lead to regret and negate any therapeutic benefit. Any pampering I afford myself has long term positive effects. So the list gets down to the following:

MASSAGE: My masseuse, Isabella, works out all the kinks in my body and psyche one hour per month. Many people think of this as a pricey luxury. OK, so? Remember, I'm saving $4.00 per DAY by not going downstairs for Starbucks, $30.00 per weekend by not drinking, and $15.00 per week by not smoking like I did in the early 90's. The benefits of massage are huge, but mainly I just think of it as pushing all the toxins out of my muscles. Plus, it just feels so nurturing to be professionally massaged. Unlike a backrub (better than nothing), massages are like someone playing your body like a violin.

HOUSEKEEPING (by someone else): Elba comes over once a month to do the everything except wash the clothes. Look at the hobby list I've got going here. No way do I have time to wash my floors, clean the bathrooms, or even vacuum. My boyfriend loves having her over because I will pick all my hobby toys to enable her to clean once a month. Otherwise, the hobbies just take over. When I come home from my ceramics class after she's been here, and I start practicing for my piano lesson that afternoon, the house smells like I put hours into washing it, and I have, well, sort of. This is pampering at it's highest level. How do you afford this?? Cut out the silly Starbucks!

NAPS AT LUNCH: It's been called a power nap, and for me, it's all about recharging my battery. If I take a book into a conference room and knock myself out with a frozen dinner and about three pages of reading, I can sleep for 45 minutes. People from my prior companies know I have been doing this since 1989. Does it mean I am lazy? Didn't get enough sleep? Anti-social? No, it's all about working like a machine the WHOLE day rather than getting all catatonic about 2:00. As a morning person, my peak time is 8:00 - 11:30. With a lunch nap, I'm getting the morning all over again. Friday, I kept waking halfway up from my nap wondering what Karen was doing in my bedroom since I kept hearing her voice through the door! For the most part, a one hour nap is practically equivelant to a full night's sleep. No amount of Starbuck's can get you this much energy. You will always crash. Might as well get it over with on your lunch break.

DAILY WORK OUT: I get up at 5:15 and work out daily with 15 minutes of cardio, 10 minutes of weights, 15 minutes of cardio, 10 minutes of weights, 15 minutes of cardio, 10 minutes of weights. Why is this pampering?? Because (1) I feel really fit the rest of the day (2) I have a higher energy level than any other 50 year old I know (and a lot of 40 year olds) and (3) It's a way of saying to my body, "I care about you. I care whether you feel good and have a long healthy life. I care about the quality of your existence, not just the number of years you can drag yourself around despite your age and condition. This is my gift to you because you are VERY important to me. I refuse to let age limit you (other than not joining a spin class any time soon.)" See why I need a nap?

So what are my thought on Wii? I guess it depends on which exercise you are doing, but let's ask it this way:

Does Wii have a virtual simulation of 45 minutes on an elliptical machine at 110 RPMs? Does it have a simulation of chinning 75 lbs? Lifting 30 lbs with your quads 3 sets of 25 reps, or with your hamstrings 12.5 lbs each, 3 sets of 15 reps? If not that, yes, it's better than nothing, but it's crazy to call throwing a weightless bowling ball a workout. It's probably great for step aerobics, and yoga, just like videos were.

The key is to find what rewards you and give it to yourself regularly.

Never be Bored Again: Read

I not only love to read, I can't get through the day without it. I have to read to sleep, to ride a stationary bike or elliptical machine, to ride the train. Once I was so addicted to books on tape I couldn't work without listening to them all day at my desk. Every time I was in the car I had one going.

I wasn't a reader when I was growing up, but my parents were. I didn't read much until college, and then I became an English literature major. If you want your kids to read, you basically have to set the example of being a reader. My boyfriend's father was a house painter who never went to college, never went to high school. But he read voraciously all the classics he could buy. One son became a college professor and the other a geologist. I'm convinced that their father's example maximized their potential to succeed in school. They didn't have TV until they were older, so books were all his dad had to do for entertainment.

Here's my quick and easy ways to become a reader:

1. Never buy a book. The library has everything you want to read, and if your branch doesn't have it they can order it for you if you reserve it via the library website. If you buy a book, you might hate it, and then you will have wasted $7.99 and you might give up. If you must buy a book, they are .50 for paperback and $1.00 for hardbacks at the library. Half Price Books also has a $1.00 section because they get tens of thousands of books per week. If you must buy one, you can shop there.

2. Carry your book around with you everywhere. At some point in the day, you will have downtime. Whether it's the car wash, the treadmill, jury duty, the doctor's office, your in-laws, lunch alone, you are going to run the risk of getting really really bored. Use this time to learn something new, escape, or just be wildly entertained. They still make books on CD, and if you wind up totally hooked, you can check them out at the library and listen at your desk on your ear buds hooked into your laptop all day. They will think you are listening to music. You can get through two novels a week (unabridged). I can assure you, I would never have survived Bituminous for eleven years without doing so. This does not lessen your ability to do your job once you get used to it. In fact, it may very well enhance it.

3. Ask your reader friends what they like to read. You may already have a favorite genre, author, book on tape reader. Readers love to talk about their favorites and make recommendations. Just ask 'em.

4. If you start a book and it's boring you to death, move on to the next. If the reader's voice sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard, toss it aside and stick another CD in. Life's too short to suffer through a dull book or shrill reader. Some narrators are so phenomenal I could listen to them read the phone book (Frank Muller). Some write well but cannot read their own books (Stephen King) without ruining the experience.

Here's a few of my favorites based on genre:

Legal Thriller:
Scott Turrow's Personal Injuries*, Ordinary Heroes
Michael Connelly's The Brass Verdict

Drama:
Barbara Kingsolver's The Poisonwood Bible
Joci Picoult's My Sister's Keeper
Wally Lamb's I Know This Much is True*
Scott Smith's A Simple Plan
Larry McMurtry's The Last Picture Show*

Historical Fiction:
Kathryn Harrison's Poison*
Ron Hansen's Hitler's Neice

Horror: Stephen King's Misery and the following short stories, Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption, Apt Pupil, and The Body*

Mystery: Ruth Rendell's An Unkindness of Ravens Elizabeth George's Deception on His Mind

If you were one of those kids that said "Tell me a story" when you were a kid, reading nurtures that "inner child" who still wants to hear a great story.

*Exceptional on CD

Sculpting Ceramic Roses: Beautify Your Pots Even More

A pot can be made unique and beautiful with stunning glazes, textures, shapes, and what I call "doo dads". Doo dads are things you attach to your pot, like roses, insects, frogs, snakes, angels, and animals. I've stuck everything on pots from elephants and dragonflies, to entire bouquets. My sculpting never involves anything but my hands and the clay. I've tried using cake decorating tools and all I can say is don't waste your money. All I ever got was frustration because the clay is either too wet to hold a shape once it comes out of the cone, or too dry to come through the cone. With a couple of hours of practice, doo dads can be whipped out as long as your clay has the correct level of moisture.

You can also teach children how to make roses, frogs and dragonflies on Play-Doh, polymer clay, or good old clay. Polymer clay doesn't require a kiln, but the downside is it's pricey. I spend less than $8.00 on 20 lbs of stoneware. One pound of polymer clay is $10.00 or more. That's enough to make a small coffee cup. There's actually shops out there that will fire your stoneware projects in a kiln for a fee.

Here's the quick and easy way I make certain doo dads using clay:

ANGEL: Flatten out a slab for the "robe" and form into a cone. Roll a ball for the head (don't make it too big) and attach to the top of the cone. Roll a ball and flatten it for the halo (it will be a little bit bigger than the head so it will stick up above it) and stick it on the back of the head. Roll bigger balls and flatten in your hands to make wings. Make sure they are of equal size. Attach to the back. Add some little arms and praying hands if you like. All attachments are done through "slipping and scoring", which means scoring (using a pin tool or a little knife) the pieces you wish to attach where you want them to touch, applying watered down clay as the glue (or slip) where you want them to touch, and the sticking them together. If you don't "slip and score" the wing or head WILL pop off in the firing.

FIREFLY: Roll out a fat worm for the body. Roll out four more worms, two about the same size as the body, two a little bit smaller. Flatten them between your hands to make two big wings and two smaller wings. Attach the big wings about the middle of the body, and the small wings a little further down using slipping and scoring (see ANGEL instructions.) Roll two small balls for the eyes. Flatten them out just a little bit and attach them to the top of the worm where the head is. You might want to poke some holes into the eyes to make pupils.

FROGS: Roll out a short fat worm for the body. Roll out two more short fat worms for the back legs. Pinch one end of each of the legs and attach them to back side of the frog and pinch them all together into a little butt. Roll two eyes, flatten them a little and attach them to the "head". Then poke two pupils into the eyes (using a pen or whatever you have.)

GRAPES: Roll a buch of little balls and stick them on your pot. Roll out a ball and flatten it in your hand to make a leaf. When I make a leaf, it fold it at the point so that it looks more like a leaf. Attach to the pot and stick a few grapes on top of the leaf where it contacts the pot.

For anybody that wants to make a few bucks on this hobby, doo dads can double or triple what you would normally sell a piece for. For example, I've knocked out round lasagna dish that would normally go for maybe $15. When I stuck a couple of roses on the sides for handles, it went to $50. A $10 coffee cup goes to $20 with a flower on it. Teapots require a ton of work, but you can't always recoup your time...unless your have some doo dads or flowers stuck to it. People pay quite a bit for the decorations that make it a one-of-a-kind. As you can see from the video, it ain't rocket science. And in my case, roses are easier to whip out than two really nice symmetric handles!! All it takes is a little practice. People will also pay quite a bit for a doo dad that speaks to them (e.g. their favorite collectible). Start finding your forte and perfecting it!

Making Pillows Talk: Bargello and Embroidery

BARGELLO

When I was young I liked to work on needlepoint, but now I can't get excited by a project that can't be wrapped up in a week or two. Nor do I want to work on anything that comes in a kit where my personal input is not required. When I saw bargello designs for the first time I said, "Wow". Because each stitch covers multiple squares on the needlepoint mesh, bargello can be done in a fraction of the time. Bargello was created in Florence Italy for textiles. You also see these designs incorporated into beautiful quilts. There are different kinds of stitches such as flame stitches, dome designs, wave designs, and many more. This webpage gives you a quick peek as to how some of these designs are done: http://www.fruncesybordados.com.mx/Bargello%20Stitch.htm

Unlike regular needlepoint, bargello will not warp your mesh. So you can use a canvas mesh (as opposed to plastic) and it will be easier to sew a back onto. The fewer holes per inch will make for a larger version of the design and will make the project go faster. All you need is fluffy "fat" yarn so that you cover your holes well (maybe even doubling or tripling your yarn strands. I like to pick out colors I think look cool together, which may or may not be what the design in the book shows. One way to see how the yarn is going to look side by side, hold them up side by side in the store. There's no reason to get anything expensive. This is like a tapestry, so you want some sharpness to your look. Therefore, I avoid yarns that have multiple shades within the same ball. Two of my favorite books are Beautiful Bargello by Joyce Petschek and Four-Way Bargello by Dorothy Kaestner.

I don't assemble my own pillows because I don't own a sewing machine. However, once the needlepoint pattern is finished with a 1 1/2 inch border left uncompleted, you can take this down to a dry clearer that does alterations and just explain what you want. Bring the stuffing, the fabric for the backing, and whatever ruffles or tassels you might have in mind. This will cost about $20 for assembly.

EMBROIDERY

If you were raised in the 60's or 70's, there's a pretty good chance that you embroidered your jeans. I learned how to decorate mine at my mother's knee in junior high, and had lots of flower power cuffs, pockets, you name it. Machine embroidery probably existed on store bought clothes (another thing we didn't have), but it certainly wasn't computerized like it is now. I always liked the handmade look on jeans and decided I could easily pull it off with a pair of cheap used cut-offs at a second hand store. Which I did.

You may not be an embroidery expert, but you really don't need to be with this project. All you need are the cutoffs, the thread, and a hoop. This is something you can do on a plane, watching TV, or at the beach. You are simply building a picture out of little flower stitches. On the picture above, even the rainbow is made out of flower stitches. Here is You Tube video that shows exactly what I do for the petals and leaves. No drawing or planning, just off the top of my head. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JiIN2asUvkI This is a daisy stitch. I do the center with a french knot, also on You Tube. The assembly is very easy. You just sew the top closed, zip up the zipper and snap the snap and stuff the shorts. Then sew up the bottoms. If you ever wanted to wash it, you could take undo the seam on the top or bottom, take out the stuffing, wash it, restuff it and resew it. This is a super easy project but takes about a month of spare time to fill up one side (which is all I do.)

FUTURE PROJECTS

I've always wanted to make a bargello piano bench cover and that may be what comes up next. Any needlepoint upholstery cover on a chair seat or bench looks very rich. However, you might not want to start off with a project of dining room seat covers. You won't get much chance to look at it because it's not out in the open. Plus, it's one of those projects that will never get finished.

I've seen some very neat pillow forms at Joanne's, our fabric and crafts store here in Dallas. It's called a pocket pillow, and it has a pocket in the middle of one side. You simply wrap fabric around it and tuck the excess fabric in the pocket where it (we hope) keeps it secure. This looks super easy. If you wanted to get really crazy, they also have lampshade kits that have a sticky lampshade that you stick fabric onto. You could make a pocket pillow and a matching lampshade for a child's room in less than an hour. The lampshade project I have done, and it's very user friendly.

The fun thing about these kinds of projects is that it gives you something to do with your hands while you watch TV rather than snack. I'm a fidgeter, and as long as I'm going to do two things at once, it might as well be something for the beautification of the home!

Toastmasters: Going from Speechless to Silver Tongued

What exactly IS public speaking? We know that's what Toastmasters is there to help you with, but what's the difference between public speaking and just talking? We can already do that around family and friends. Let me give you some examples of public speaking:

1. Conducting a meeting in front of five people you only know through work.

2. A job interview.

3. Selling your boss on a new idea or a raise.

4. Going on a blind date.

5. Fund raising phone calls.

6. Teaching a class.

7. Giving a speech to an audience of 30 - 500 people.

Once upon a time, I couldn't do any of these things without getting stressed out. At the very least I would lose my train of thought in the middle of a sentence. At the worst my throat would close up. I remember going to a retreat in 1988, and people were taking turns going up to the podium in front of the room of about 100 people and saying something into the microphone about the topic. I had something to say, but once I got up there my throat closed and I sounded like I was trying not to cry (which was true). When I first started going to contests in Toastmasters in 1999, the throat closing continued to happen. (I actually won because my competition went overtime!) It took me a while to get over the nervousness that was causing this. I heard it described one time as follows by my first Toastmasters mentor: "You still have the butterflies in your stomach, but you get them to fly in formation."

Almost everybody has fear of public speaking. I heard an interview of James Earl Jones on NPR once and he talked about how he was a stammerer. Of course, once he learned his lines and rehearsed them for a performance, he had that beautiful delivery and you would never know he stammered. Stammering is like mental stuttering, and of course nervousness makes it worse. I finally had a word for my problem with drawing a blank. I also noticed President Bush had the same problem. Basically, you just get stuck on a word. Lots of pauses. One of the worst examples was when I went to a party in 1983 with my then boyfriend of a year, Stuart. When I went to introduce him, I couldn't remember his name. Solution, avoid introductions at all costs.

I could talk around friends with no problem. But put me in a situation where I was asked a question by a company big wig and I sounded really dumb. Some people have white coat syndrome (fear of doctors), I had dark suit and tie syndrome (fear of corporate big shots.) I think I stayed put at one of my prior companies far longer than I should have just because I hated interviewing and did it so poorly. When I left in 2005, I got a $27,000 increase in income. Lesson: The inability to sell yourself is downright expensive.

But what I know now is I'm far from being alone in my fear of speaking publicly. Thirty percent of people fear dying. Seventy-five percent of people fear public speaking. You might conclude that most people would rather die that speak publicly. They hate it so much that they will not do what is required to overcome it, even in a safe nurturing environment: Toastmasters. Even if it's costing them $27,000 dollars per year.

I originally went to Toastmasters in 1998 and started improving immediately. I was in an extremely small club (Oration Plus Toastmasters in Las Colinas, Irving, TX) so I had a lot of opportunity to speak. Within about three months they talked me into being the president (huh??) and with no idea of what I was committing to, I said yes. Fortunately, I had a lot of people keeping me and the club afloat. Then I went to another club which was all about getting better at English or Spanish (Fiesta Bilingual in Dallas), whichever one was your second language. I did about ten speeches in Spanish (which I learned in high school and college). Talk about a great avenue to work on a new language! With each speech, the fear of public speaking diminished. I had a ball and acted at VP of Education for a year.

After a ten year break, I joined Eagles Toastmasters in 2008 and said yes to being the next president about three months later. Being an officer in Toastmasters gives you some experience on leading people. If you are the type of person (as was I) that would rather be water-boarded than call people and ask them to volunteer, this might break you of that fear. In an officer's role, you simply cannot operate without delegating and persistently asking for helpers. I got over my hangup about "bothering people." I now know if I don't pass out the duties, I'm depriving other people of the chance to grow. Toastmasters is just as much a lab for managerial skills as it is for developing ones gift of gab. Here's the website: http://www.eaglestm.org/ They meet Fridays at 6:45 a.m. at Central and Meadow, Dallas at Denny's. This was super convenient for me because I could get in my meeting and never interrupt any other activities (hobbies) or work.

Toastmasters meetings follow all follow pretty much the same format:

(1) Three speakers give a speech

(2) Table topics: Five or so people are called at random to talk for at least 60 seconds on different questions on a similar theme.

(3) Evaluations of the speakers (very supportive and loving).

After each of these segments, the group votes on the best speaker, best Table topic, and best evaluator. Most of the meeting participants either have a speaking role or some kind of duty such as time keeper, Toastmaster, vote counter, etc. Basically it's a form of structured play with a lot of laughter.

Eagles Toastmasters has the basic ingredients to make it an above average club:

1. Fun people

2. Good speakers to learn from

3. Lots of leadership opportunities

4. Seasoned members who know the proper way to run a meeting

If you are looking for a way to develop your leadership skills, conduct a meeting, interview, and basically just sell yourself and your ideas, this is where you can learn all that for less than $50 for six months, which your company may very well pay for (gladly). Wherever you are in your speaking ability you can get better and better with a nurturing Toastmasters club.

Choosing Health over Illness: Weight Watchers

The first time I went to a Weight Watchers meeting was in 1999. My friend at work had done well with it and I was desperate enough to put my preconceived notions aside. WW hasn’t just changed over the years, it has evolved every year. It’s just not the same program as it was a couple of decades ago or even five years ago. I was to the point where I couldn’t fit into my clothes. I had gone through a breakup and was trying to get back in the market. I could no longer cross my legs at this point, and I knew the pounds would never melt off on their own. I had to take action.

I had done other programs and I was skeptical. But the difference with WW is that, from the beginning, you buy your own food and prepare it or select it off a menu. You determine what portion size you will eat. You don’t get a prepackaged meal plan where you buy frozen dinners and turn off your brain and judgment. You have to start out from the beginning learning to read food labels, figuring out “points”, writing them down, and basically being responsible for your own weight loss. The problem with the other programs I got on was I would lose the weight but never adjust to going off the frozen dinners (or adding back carbs, meat, or Mexican food). WW actually teaches what foods are conducive to losing and which ones aren’t, along with portion control. I think this is the problem most people have: They haven’t a clue what foods will make them fat. They may think they know, but they don’t. It’s sure not something they would have learned from Mom, friends, or society, and definitely not advertisements. WW is like getting a degree in practical nutrition.

After I joined, I took off 23 pounds or so, and at 5’3”, that was 15% of my weight. I worked out once or twice a day and ate within my points. I loved the program because it was flexible and motivational. I reached “lifetime“. Then the weight started creeping back on within a year or two so I dropped out. I have a slew of excuses, the biggest one being, “It‘s not that bad.” I surpassed my original highest weight (I used to say, “I weigh two pounds more than my highest weight ever.”) However, once I met my current boyfriend, I felt like I was ready to recommit and lost all the weight again in three months (now I knew how to fast track this deal). I did a good job of keeping it off by working it on the WW website. Eventually he bought into the healthy lifestyle and we still get in a walk or bike ride together every day. He even measures his cereal!! But the weight started to creep back on. Once I changed companies (my environment, my friends, my routine, my attitude, my priorities, my nail polish, my sheets) it again became an uphill battle and I grew two sizes since 2005.

I still go once a week to WW. Just because you gain a good chunk of the weight back, there’s no reason to quit. Once you hit “lifetime”, you only have to weigh in once a month, which I do. I found weighing in (and paying) more often doesn’t necessarily motivate you to do what’s required to get the weight right back off or keep it off. But here’s my other reasoning. Let’s say you are on the “UP” elevator for awhile (which is part of life.) You can (1) Get frustrated and quit going to meetings and stay on the “UP” elevator ad nauseum until you’ve gone up six more sizes or (2) You can keep going to meetings and gain ten pounds. (OK, sixteen pounds.) I choose (2), the “UP But Not All The Way Up Elevator” I can ALWAYS get bigger, and if I don’t go to meetings I’m positive I will. My hope is that by writing this, I will do something constructive like go back to tracking online.

The difference between WW and a diet is a few basic philosophies:
True believers see this as a lifestyle that they have bought into. They don’t expect to revert back once they reach their goal.
This is about health, not glamour. If I can keep the focus on health, I’m actually more likely to stay focused. I’m sporadic about caring about my appearance, but I’m pretty consistent on being a health nut. I may like being attractive (who doesn’t) but I hate bad knees, lack of energy, aches and pains, high blood pressure, osteoporosis, depression, and all those things we might associate with “old age” which are actually the result of an unhealthy lifestyle. Nobody ever listed on a death certificate: Cause of death - chips and salsa and sitting at a desk all day. But that’s what mine would say if I blew off WW.
WW puts some emphasis on working out. It’s about 75% about food and 25% about working out. If you want to stay healthy, you have to work out. Here’s my favorite quotes about it:

"Those who think they have not time for bodily exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness. " ~Edward Stanley

"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all. " ~Joey Adams


OK, I’m off to get back on WW online!

Scrabble, Still the Best Game

There are two types of Scrabble players out there: game night family fun Scrabble players, and tournament players. Think you're smart? Obsessive compulsive? Anal retentive? Like words? Well, you might be ready for tournament Scrabble, but let's differentiate between the two types.

FAMILY SCRABBLE PLAYERS: If you can say true to all these questions, you are a family Scrabble player and have quite a bit of work to do:

1. I have never memorized the spelling of any the two letter or three letter words without thought of their definitions, and I have no desire to.

2. I like to take my time on my turns. Most games I play last one hour to two hours.

3. I believe Scrabble is all about what tiles you get. It's a game of luck.

4. Scrabble is a social game; I like to carry on a friendly conversation while I'm thinking about my turn.

5. I have never read the rules inside of the box.

6. I prefer to play with a group (more than two players).

There is nothing wrong with being a family Scrabble player. It doesn't mean you're stupid. Or lazy. But don't expect to be able to consistently beat a tournament player unless it is a beginner/unrated player. If you were willing to put in a little time toward memorizing the list of two letter and three letter words, you could hold up your head at the Scrabble clubs around the metroplex. You can also improve your game by playing on the computer with a Scrabble CD.

But it doesn't take much to improve to the point that your family will not play with you anymore. Your friends will probably think you are cheating. I started my own little Scrabble club (a singles group) in Lewisville, and it was a total flop. Real junkies are not focused on anything but the game. The people who showed up to meet some pretty person over a quick Scrabble game got nowhere (who wants to date someone who doesn't know proper nouns are ineligible?? Good grief! All they wanted to do was flirt!) Believe me, when little miss Smarty Smarty challenges your every word or demands you "Hit the clock!" you don't come back.

TOURNAMENT SCRABBLE:

Tournament Scrabble bares little resemblance to what you play with your siblings at Christmas. The clubs and tournaments I went to had people of all ages and one obsession. Here's the rules the differences:

1. Club or tournament scrabble is played with a chess clock. Each player gets 25 minutes to make all his/her plays, so each game lasts approximately 50 minutes. This dramatically changes the nature of the game. I had a running buddy in my heyday and to make things even more interesting we would reduce our time to 15 minutes each. Once you have finished your turn you hit the clock and the time starts for your opponent. If you want to stop for a challenge (looking up a word) you can stop both timers. Once you go chess clock, you never go back.

2. I was single and looking in my heyday, and I thought Scrabble clubs and tournaments would offer some rather smart men who liked to play a bit of Scrabble. And I can work with the socially handicapped, the never-been-involved, and the mildly obese. But I certainly didn't expect to be completely ignored by these types. And I don't think it was my inability to memorize the complete list of three and four letter words they found so revolting. I just don't think they saw that I was in the room at all, their focus was so entirely on the board. As I used to say, "These men look datable, but they're not." If I tried to strike up a conversation with a true junkie, it was as though I were talking to a wall. And I almost never won at the club level. I just couldn't fit the four or five hours a week of club play into my schedule.

3. Scrabble tournaments are cut throat like any other tournament. I've seen nasty little tricks to trip up an opponent. The worst was conducting business on the cell phone while playing in a tournament. Some people get downright hostile over the other person's plays or challenges. There is etiquette to be followed and going to clubs will give you some experience with that. One thing that are perfectly acceptable is playing a "phony" and hoping that the opponent doesn't challenge it. You can even make up a definition and try to sell him on it. If he falls for it and doesn't challenge on it, oh well. You don't get points for your correct words, you get points for what you get away with. And if you can talk someone into challenging a correct word, they lose their next turn! So you might act like you're throwing out a wild ass guess to get them to challenge (knowing it's in the bag.)

4. I memorized same as I memorize everything: flash cards. I carried them around to the doctor's office, stuck them up on my cubicle wall, and flipped through them every chance I got. I learned how to construct words by starting with the prefix or suffix and then trying to build a root over what was left.

5. To practice, I played by myself. This is what you see me doing in the picture (with a respectable score of 243 on my second game!) If you're convined at this point that I'm a hopeless nerd (it's possible) just remember, you do crosswords by yourself. You read books by yourself. There's nothing about Scrabble that screams social activity. Things might have changed dramatically since I last played online, but when I was playing there was no chess clock and people sat there with a dictionary looking up the words they were going to play (how would you know??) It would literally take all day to play a game. I'm sure things are improved time-wise, but there's nothing that prevents them from looking up words (which is a no no when you're playing for real.) The drawback of a CD is that the computer has instant answers for its own turn and, oh yeah, it almost never loses. This will get you better fast, but it will not give you any club-like Scrabble experience with a chess clock in order to get used to it. Therefore, play by yourself for practice when you can't get to a club. Clocks are cheap. About $30.

This afternoon I played for two hours and had a ball. By the second game, I was scoring well and readdicted. If you want to play a game with me, I will happily bring my board and clock and even my list of two and three letter words which you can use!

QUICK UPDATE ON WATERCOLOR: I entered a contest at the Dallas Public Library, Oaklawn Branch. I came in second with the Ship at Sea which you can find on the watercolor post.

Teaching Yoga and Keeping it Fun

Yoga is an enjoyable workout because it relieves tension, stretches you out, and strengthens you. I was a yogi for about seven years before I became a teacher. I taught for five years and was making about $1,200 per month on the side. Here's how I built up my business:

1. I became licensed. Getting licensed in yoga is wide open to interpretation. I've seen great teachers who were "licensed" over a weekend. This can be done through lots of organizations. I went to a four week course in California at the Ananda Center. The fact is, there is no standard yoga license that is approved by a state. The word license means that some organization gave you some kind of training and a piece of paper. This piece of paper is required for getting a teaching slot at a fitness center or a yoga studio. If you were to ask a manager at a fitness center or even a yoga studio to be specific about what kind of license they require, they probably couldn't tell you. Many studio owners have no such license, they've just been in the business a long time. Basically, it's a made up concept, but required to get your foot in the door so your fitness center can cover its butt legally.

2. I asked my yoga teacher to put me down as a substitute. I started getting gigs immediately through her. Once I subbed at a few fitness centers, the fitness centers themselves put me on the sub list. I remember the first class I ever taught. I just kept telling myself, "These people have no idea that you are totally inexperienced at this, and they WON'T know unless you tell them." I was scared out of my mind, but once I got into it, my instructions started rolling off my tongue as though I been doing it all my life. Basically, I just did what my teacher did. I then asked the manager of my fitness center, where I had been a member for five years, to let me teach at her club. She was a huge help and gave me a couple of classes a week for the whole time I taught.



3. This whole teaching thing was good for my personal growth on a lot of levels. I had to get out of my comfort zone to in order to ask people to let me teach at their clubs. I frequently taught students who were new to yoga. Some liked what was going on in class, some didn't. I had to be on time, learn different stereo set ups, drive around town, and eat irregularly. If my muscles were sore from overworking, the show still had to go on. I remember one time I taught for two months with a cold I couldn't shake because it never quit raining. But here's the thing, when I was in front of a class, I was totally alive. I was flooded with adrenaline, so I didn't feel the hunger or joint pain or exhaustion during class. There were some corporate fitness classes of mine, like Texas Instruments, Abbott Labs, and the Millennium Center where I truly felt loved as a teacher.

4. There's a bit of a difference between yoga at a fitness center and yoga at a yoga studio. Yoga at a fitness center is full of professional people and office workers who come from all different backgrounds and religions. If a teacher tries to get too froo froo or spiritual, it can backfire in a corporate setting. The students want to be entertained to some extent. Coming from an office environment myself, I could keep it light and funny and speak the lingo. People talking and laughing was cool with me. As I saw it, we were there to work out and have fun. Even at yoga studios, my classes laughed a lot.



5. Dessert: Guided Meditation. I heard a really good form of guided meditation from one of my classmates at yoga teacher training. It was actually the best part of my class. Basically it would either put people to sleep or into a light hypnotic state. Men were especially susceptible to my guided meditation voice. I had one or two people ask me for a tape of my guided medication so they could sleep at night. It starts with "Imagine yourself breathing in through your toes. Relax your toes (breath), relax you feet (breath), relax your ankles (breath), and on your next exhalation, relax even more." Each body part is covered up the legs, torso, arms, neck and head, and each time you say another body part, it is in time with the breath. Then once we get past the scalp, I would offer some sort to visualization like the beach and ocean. Many students would be out cold before we got to the torso. I use this on myself (in my head) for purposes of falling asleep.

If you are just starting out, there are several ways to get into yoga. Classes are great and teachers give you feedback so that you know if you are doing it right. But if you don't have access to a class you can buy some good DVD's to play at home. I recommend going to the library and checking a few out. Different people have different styles, personalities and levels of difficulty. Many are overly challenging for beginners, especially if you are out of shape or stiff as a board. Don't waste your money on something you'll only watch once. Try a few from the library and whichever fits your taste, go out and buy it. I like Kathy Smith Yoga and White Lotus Yoga. Keep in mind, you WANT it to be a little bit beyond your current capabilities. You will grow into it and work up to most positions over time if you keep at it a couple of times a week. When I first started out, I thought it was the greatest experience you could have. I hope it gives to you all it gave me.

Flesh was the reason oil paint was invented. (Willem de Kooning)

Painting portraits in watercolor is very difficult because the medium is so unforgiving. Once you put it down, you have to live with the result. Oils make a great medium for portraits and flesh in general because it has the effect of being smooth and changes tone so gradually. Plus, you can scrape it off and start over if you don't like it. It takes days to dry!

The only oil painting class I ever took was for painting desertscapes with pallet knives in the mid 1980's.

My first experience with the medium was a bunch of paint by numbers around the age of ten. I would get them at the dime store and play around with them. You might notice that some of my work still looks a little "paint by numbery". I graduated to original paintings of people around high school. My bedroom was my studio with a work table, paints, linseed oil, and turpentine. No telling how many brain cells I killed off sleeping in my room. I did have good clean up habits where paint was concerned and always cleaned my brushes. I also painted in college. The painting of "Legs" was during this period and wound up in an art show. I was a huge fan of M.C. Escher and took a class in how to make tessellations (teselarse: Latin for "to tile") which are repeated patterns. Here's a website if you'd like to learn to make your own. When I was doing these, it was low tech as we didn't have computers. http://www.tessellations.org/index.htm

After college, I didn't paint until I got married in 1988. Painting can be an excellent escape if you are looking for that. Not in the linseed oil and turpentine kind of way, but in that you will usually get so engrossed in your work that you will lose track of time. I could paint for six hours and it would feel like one or two. Most of my paintings took three days. The first one was the painting of the grandmother and child done from a photograph from the book Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane. I was so moved by the book and I fell in love with the pictures in the middle of the biography. One of the things that lent this particular one to portraiture is that the shadows were so stark. As a "paint by numberist", I needed areas that were clearly delineated from one another. As one of my fellow artists likes to say, color gets all the credit, but values do all the work. I was also in my monochromatic phase, maybe because the photo was a black and white and I didn't want to take any risks.

Two years later I did another monochromatic of two boys working on a model airplane that I found in an old encyclopedia. I made it more dramatic by putting a dark background on it. I was well into my emotionally messy divorce at this time and needed a great escape. If you're in need on an escape, you might as well seek out something that won't kill you over time and will, in fact, add to your life. Any kind of art falls into that category.

The last one was in 1997 when Mother died. We had taken some pictures of her in her final months on the back patio. I finally decided to step outside the box and use color. The version above is actually the second of this painting. The first one was muted and depressing. This one has a lot of vivid colors, just like the photograph, and I added a colorful background. The cool thing about painting is that you are not married to the photograph. You can use all the artistic license you want. Look at any Picasso! After this one I did a self portrait of me fishing in Alaska on vacation. I got the feedback that it looked nothing like me. It's all in the eyes of the beholder. What we find in my watercolor class is that the whole class can do the same subject and they will each bear the style of the painter who did it. My other response, "If you want an exact reproduction, stick with the photograph."

I've had a few requests for paintings over the years and here's what I tell them: I don't want to paint a photograph that is going to continue hanging on the wall or something done in a portrait studio. The idea is to have an original work of art, not an exact copy of a beloved photo that you can compare to see if the painter "got it right" while they are hanging side by side. The ideal would be a clear spontaneous photograph with deep shadows, preferably a photo that will be thrown in the bottom of the photo drawer after being painted. $500 minimum per face.

Any kind of hobby is for the practitioner's own fulfillment and enjoyment. Whether it is for escape, relaxation, cash on the side, or self development, it has to be fun. If you try something and it turns out to be just an exercise in frustration, just move on to the next hobby. You will find something that gets your fired up and, for a few hours, over your blues.

Stained Glass: Fascinating Color and Light

Stained glass is much easier than it looks. I first want to dispel some of the misconceptions:

1. The artist does not make or color the glass.

2. There is no "firing in a kiln". The glass is bought in premade 12" x 12" sheets of colored glass. You select the texture and color you want.

3. You can cut you fingers, but it's not frequent if you handle the glass correctly.

4. Glass is not glued together; it is soldered.

5. Glass can be cheap or it can be kind of pricey.

This is not hard to get good at, but it is one of those things that you have to probably learn in a class to get immediate feedback. The best places to go are either a community college or a private studio with a shop. My teacher is David Riffkind at Kittrell Riffkind in Dallas, http://www.kittrellriffkind.com/ I learned not only how to make cool stuff but how to do it as easily as possible. I also learned how to fix things, because glass isn't always user friendly and you don't want to waste it. Let's go through the process:

SELECT YOUR DESIGN:
A design is basically a jigsaw puzzle of colored pieces of glass that YOU cut out to fit together! So you have to find a design you like, and if you are a beginner, you want to pick a design with less than twenty pieces. I would also suggest no feathers or grapes. Big pieces without excessive curves are good. You could make your own design, but until you know what shapes are doable, I'd go with one already created. Here's a good website for that: http://chantalstainedglass.50megs.com/ I can spend hours or days just trying to narrow down the item I want to make.

SELECT YOUR GLASS:

You can get glass at Hobby Lobby, the internet, and a studio you take lessons from. I like Hobby Lobby's selection and it's reasonable; $5.00 - $10.00 per sheet. If you are just starting out, you will find that certain types of glass are harder to cut (score) than others. Thick is bad. It will likely break away from your cut and you'll wind up having to redo it, throwing away the first piece that wound up cut wrong. I've wound up recutting TONS of pieces that were either thick or heavily textured. Secondly, if you fall in love with an opaque piece and want to use it in your artwork, make all the other pieces you are using opaque. If you want a transparent piece to be your main one, make them all transparent. When there is a light shining through it, the opaque pieces will come across as very dark compared to the transparent pieces.

CUT YOUR PIECES:

You will learn this technique in a class, but basically you have a scorer which is a little tool with a wheel on the end that cuts a line however you guide it, and then you use running pliers to break the glass apart along your cut. After one or two projects, this will be a cinch. You will not cut your fingers as long as you handle the edges with the flat of your finger and watch for slivers. To get rid of the slivers and to shape your pieces a little more exactly so that they fit well, you will use a grinder. This is actually the only thing that costs a little bit of money, maybe $100 at Hobby Lobby. Here's a website for tools: http://store.allstainedglass.com/index.html If you go to a class, the teacher will give you a list of tools to pick up.

FOIL THE PIECES:

Each of your "puzzle pieces" have an edge. What you do at this point to put 3/8" strips of foil tape right on the edge and slightly over the edge onto each side of the piece. Imagine wrapping Scotch tape around the outside edge of a CD case and 1/8 of an inch over the sides. This is just what you do with foil tape and your glass pieces.

SOLDER THE GLASS:

After placing the pieces together as closely as they will fit into the design, you'll wipe flux on the foiled edge that is face up, and then use a soldering iron and solder to attach the pieces to each other. Then you'll flip the project over (it will hold together) and solder the other side. Soldering can be a little bit dangerous, but after the first few projects you will learn to do the following:

(1) Protect your table by using a flat thin piece of plywood to do your work.

(2) Wear jeans when soldering. One blob of dropped solder will burn like heck and you want it to hit your jeans, not your leg.

(3) I've forgotten what I was holding before and tried to guide the soldering iron with my left hand, touching the tip of the iron. Holy Moly. Here's the thing to grab if you get burned (from the People's Pharmacy): soy sauce. I don't know why it works, but by the next day your pain will be minimized.

I hope this gets you excited about trying something new. If you don't see yourself as artistically gifted, it doesn't matter! This falls more into the category of a craft, and within one easy project, you will have enough experience to start beautifying your windows and eventually making cool lamp shades. Glass work takes many hours, especially in the beginning. Your first project might take a couple of weekends. Like I say, pick out something under twenty parts so you can finish it and get some success under your belt.

Carefree Landlady, Not a Slumlord

Owning and renting out properties isn't really a hobby per se, but when you take the work out of it, it's a lot more fun. I have found the formula for making good on the investment and finding good buys.

MAKING GOOD ON THE INVESTMENT

Once we step out of the Dallas metroplex, the numbers change, but I think the principles stay the same. All three of my houses are in Carrollton, a suburb of Dallas. I bought them when the interest rates were extremely low: 4.65, 5.25 and 6.25. I wanted houses in a range where the ongoing expenses were covered by the rent. For example my monthly income and expenses are as follows:

Monthly rent $ 1,100.00
Mortgage payment incl. property taxes and fees $ (950.00)
Property mgmt fee (10% of rent) $ (100.00)
Total monthly outgo $ (1,050.00)
NET INCOME (if you're lucky) $ 50.00

What we have to keep in mind is that rent rates are (1) competitive and (2) rarely increase. $1,100 - $1,200 is average for a three bedroom house and has been for YEARS in my neighborhoods. You have to buy a house with a mortgage payment plus the property manager fee coming out equal to or less than the mortgage payment. Well heck, that doesn't leave you any cash flow! Here's the catch. All of your maintenance expenses, paint, carpet, new AC unit, etc. have to come out of your pocket! You will have to put your own money (not rent money) into the house unless you own the house outright. If you lose a tenant and can't replace him immediately, that housepayment comes out of your pocket. Where you make it back is on the federal taxes at the end of the year. When I get my W-2's and fly to the store to buy Turbotax, I leap to the computer singing, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!" Here's the average scenario:

Rental Income minus property mgmt fee & mortgage ZERO!
Expenses for all three houses $ 6,000.00 (what the f....??)
Tax refund (for interest, insurance, depreciation, mgmt fee, maintenance, prop taxes) $ 7,000.00
ANNUAL NET INFLOW (if you're REALLY REALLY REALLY lucky) $ 1,000.00

I've had bad years where I spent more than $6,000 on keeping things up and making the house payments without a renter. My renters almost NEVER stay more than a year. I pay the housepayment when I have no tenant, and the property manager also gets the first month's rent when he finds a new tenant. (This is standard.) I would assume that you will pretty much break-even on the cash-flow. The way to look at it is that this is an investment that somebody else buys for you (for the most part). Where you make your money is when you sell the house. In Carrollton and Dallas in general, we have a lot of for sale signs and foreclosures. However, it's not as bad as the rest of the country. My houses each cost $100,000 to $130,000. They are all basically of equal value now, so let's assume I could sell them all for $140,000 each. I still owe $190,000. Let's do the math.

Current worth $420,000

Original closing costs ($15,000)

Outstanding Loans ($190,000)

Principals pmts by me ($ 120,000) (I accelerate my payments

TOTAL RETURN ON INVESTMENT $95,000

NOT BAD FOR SEVEN YEARS! I might well be overstating the current sales value of the houses, but this isn't off for a non-recession year. If it is a recession year, here's the rule: Don't sell the silly thing! There's no rush!

HOW TO FIND GOOD BUYS:

My property manager Karl Kennerly of Kennerly Properties is also my realtor and taught me everything I know. His wife Jean does the day to day property management and works with my tenants. I've never had a late payment or a destructive tenant. When buying a house, Karl and I drive around looking at houses that fit into the following box:

1. Buy houses under 15 years old. After that things start to need replacement, (e.g. AC).

2. Make sure the price is low enough that the payments (with taxes, insurance, and property mgmt) do NOT exceed the rent. Renters are not rich people. Their net income is usually around $40,000. Don't buy a fancy house for a rental or you will pay out of pocket every month to cover the housepayment.

3. Buy something you wouldn't mind living in. You may have to one day. All my houses would be very comfortable for my own home. And because of that (a) I easily get tenants and (2) I take a lot of pride in my properties.

4. All the houses I found had cosmetic flaws, mostly around paint and carpet. Paint and carpet are cheap, but the savings are huge. One house we looked at had trim painted aqua (which doesn't blend in ANY neighborhood.) The brick fireplace was painted white with mortar painted black. It looked like a giant spider web and it was hideous. The asking price was $145,000. Karl called the listing realtor and said, "Call me when the price comes down to $120,000." After he hung up, I said, "Karl! I would have paid more than $120,000 for this house!" He said, "She'll call back." I think they hadn't had an offer in 4-5 months. She did call back, we went back and forth, I got it for $127,500. I think I paid $3,500 to have the inside, outside painted, the fireplace stripped, and carpet where needed. It went from dog to creampuff in about two weeks and I've never had problems renting it out. Unlike other realtors we've dealt with, Karl isn't afraid of ticking off the listing agent. He handles the deal like a master. The listing agent was just happy to make the sale!

The first house I ever bought had similar problems; mostly dog stains and smells. They had no offers, no prospects, and this unloved house was a casualty of divorce. The owner wanted to unload it as quickly as possible so he could move on to wife number two. After I bought it, I had carpet people take out the carpet and pad, cover the floor with Kilz, painted the interior, and had the new carpet installed. It went from doghouse to dollhouse, and I lived in it from 1999 to 2003. This house cost me $99,000 with another $3,000 for the facelift. I've never had a problem getting a tenant in this one either.

My last house was a creampuff from day one. Karl and I were driving around looking at listed houses. We drove up on a house that we found by luck (listed for about thirty minutes. They had just put the sign out.) I made an offer that DAY and closed two weeks later. It was underpriced by about $10,000. So much of the house buying game is about timing.

OTHER TIPS AND TRICKS

1. When choosing a tenant, go strictly by the credit score and the payment history with the prior landlord. If you do so, you will never get a dead beat or a vandal.

2. Don't rent to people who receive government subsidies. As Karl put it, you don't want a $250 a month tenant in a $1,200 a month property.

3. If someone says they will smoke outside, don't believe them. It will cost you $3,000 to get the smell out. Only 15% of your prospects smoke, so no need to cater to them.

4. I told Karl the first time we rented that if it took three months to find a good tenant, I would wait. My priority was to protect the property, and I could carry the payments when necessary. Thanks to him, I've never gone more than a month, and usually the tenants are back to back.

5. I asked him long ago why someone with a good credit score would rent rather than buy. Obviously they could afford the payments! He said, " There are lots of people out there that will never come up with a downpayment." Even when mortages were being offered with no down, we never had a problem getting tenants, and never had to bend on the credit score requirement.

6. Why get a property manager?? The answer is, I can be a people person to the extent required by my day job, but in the evening and on weekends, I want to play with my hobbies. Karl and Jean manage 100 properties. They have all the tools at hand and the experience to do it smoothly and inexpensively. I live 22 miles away from my closest house. I don't want to have to get in the car and try to fix a sink, or show a house, or collect rent. I don't want a tenant to know who I am, where I live, or have my phone number. Because I am so dependent on Jean and Karl, it has to be a relationship/friendship built on trust. I know I can leave the country for six months and the houses will be completely safe and the payments will magically appear in my checking account on time, every month. Everyone I know who thinks owning property is a nightmare manage it themselves. I don't know that I couldn't do it, but I do know I'd never want to do it. Karl and Jean make it look easy. The picture above are my friends, Jean and Karl Kennerly.